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<div class="link-container">[[Begin]] <span style="color:#FF0073;">>></span></div>
In Ancient Greece there was a superstition that it was <span style="color:purple;"> unlucky to see your own reflection.</span>
It could even be fatal...
<div class="link-container">[[Next]]</div>In 2014, the word ‘selfie’ was officially added for use in Scrabble.
<div class="link-container">[[9pts]]</div>Hello, my name is Jen.
I've been thinking about how I look.
It started during lockdown, being on video calls all the time. It felt like I was like watching myself on tele.
I didn’t like it much. Still don't.
How strange to have conversations in front of a mirror! But it made me think...
It made me think about how I've looked at how I look throughout my life.
<div class="link-container">[[The first mismatch]]</div>
<div class="framed-poem"><span style="background-color:white;">Right now you can guess how I look.
Right now I exist as an object of your imagination,
in your mind’s eye.
I am tall, with a large body.
I am white, with a port wine stain on my cheek.
I am 13, with long, dark hair.
I am a Ghanain gentleman.
I am 93 with downy cheeks.
I have no bones, and intense colours vibrate
from my soft body.
</span>
<div class="link-container floating-link">[[I'll leave it up to you]]</div>
</div>
I’ve also been wondering how you see yourself.
I wonder how you see your own shape or size, shades and features.
I wonder if you want to change them, and if you do, whether that want is minor and niggly, or urgent and demoralising.
Perhaps you often change aspects of your appearance.
Perhaps you don’t care.
Perhaps you are working hard not to care.
<div class="link-container" onclick="window.location.reload();">[[How do you regard yourself?]]</div>
Today you can choose to be either:
[[You]]
[[The Grand Duchess Anastasia Nikolaevna of Russia]]
[[A Nudibranch]]
You are choosing to be yourself.
It’s funny to talk to you like this, screen to screen!
You can picture me typing, and I will picture you reading.
Right now I’m thinking about all the experiences that have affected the way you look.
I think about how your suffering has shaped your frame.
I think about you filling that frame with breath and joy.
I wonder how your features change when you laugh, or when you shut down, or when you rail against injustices.
When you picture the way you look, are you ever in those states?
<div class="link-container">[[Strange digital selfies]]</div>Hello Anastasia.
I’m excited to talk to you. It’s 1914, which makes you around 13.
I see you taking a picture of yourself with a Kodak Brownie. You find it hard to hold it still; your hands are shaking as you point it at the mirror, so you rest it on the back of the chair.
I can see you are concentrating.
<img class="centered-image full-width" src="https://jennifer-bell.com/images/Anastasia">
You will send this photograph to a friend, which is why people now are calling it the first ever selfie, and not just a self-portrait.
What the hell is that white object next to you?!
Did you know how you wanted to look in this photograph?
<div class="link-container">[[Yes I did!]]</div>
<div class="link-container">[[No I did not!]]</div><iframe class="centered-image" width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/V6H01cUSpfQ" title="YouTube video player" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe>
<div class="link-container">[[Float on...]]</div>So here we are, alive, in motion, meeting at this flat threshold.
<span style="display:inline-block; width:10.19%;"></span>cookies,
Picking up
<span style="display:inline-block; width:27.22%;"></span>leaving
<span style="display:inline-block; width:4.07%;"></span>digital
<span style="display:inline-block; width:71.48%%;"></span>crumb
<span style="display:inline-block; width:80.56%;"></span>trails
<span style="display:inline-block; width:19.26%;"></span>of<span style="display:inline-block; width:22.59;"></span> our
<span style="display:inline-block; width:62.22%;"></span>interests and
<span style="display:inline-block; width:8.7%;"></span>thought patterns.
Sharing our industry;
<span style="display:inline-block; width:48.7%;"></span>destinations;
<span style="display:inline-block; width:80.56%;"></span>buying patterns.
These digital selfies may be our longest lasting legacy.
You cool with that?
<div class="link-container">[[Why not]]</div>
<div class="link-container">[[Not really]]</div>Congratulations, you are fine with how you appear in the digital realm. Perhaps you can see yourself as the curator of the online exhibition of YOU?! Your self-image is made up of the reflections given to you by the world around you, the world within you, and in this algorithm driven world. The right people - the ones that count - will like what they see. I think you look great, anyway.
Read on as yourself, or go back to choose another self.
<div class="link-container">[[Read on, Jen is waiting for you...]]</div>
Congratulations, you can now find ways repudiate the digital circus, and persist IN REAL LIFE. Your self-image is made up of the reflections given to you by the world around you and the world within you.
You curate the exhibition of yourself in your mind; invest your identity in objects, on walls and in albums. You see yourself in the mirror, in windows, in pools and poetry. You see yourself in the eyes of people you love. And the right people - the ones that count - will love what they see. I think you look great, anyway.
Read on as yourself, or go back to choose another self.
<div class="link-container">[[Read on, Jen is waiting for you...]]</div>
[Reader: to become Anastasia, please mouth the following words silently. Hear the thick, glottal Russian accent of an excited 13 year old child, speaking near perfect English.]
But the result was a surprise! I thought I would look the same as in the mirror, but I was very different. I did not know I look like that! I look like the photograph of Mama with Irene when they were young. Most of the time they say to us to look demure. My sisters are demure. Grigori likes it that I am not. He says I have insane spirit like the dogs. A fish out of water.
Read on as Anastasia, or go back to choose another self.
<div class="link-container">[[Read on, Jen is waiting for you...]]</div>[Reader: to become Anastasia, please mouth the following words silently. Hear the thick, glottal Russian accent of an excited 13 year old child, speaking near perfect English.]
It was thrilling, and I knew I must be quick, taking a photograph without permission! I did not know how I would look, but I wanted it to be sharp. I was thinking of my friend, trying to be still, in secret. I did not know my mouth would be fixed open like a fish, or that my eyes would not be looking at you. Very funny! Papa says the first pancake is always a blob! I must show Grigori.
Read on as Anastasia, or go back to choose another self.
<div class="link-container">[[Read on, Jen is waiting for you...]]</div>
Hello again!
During lockdown I asked friends and strangers what they thought when they saw themselves in the mirror.
Here are a few of the things they wrote...
<div class="link-container" onclick="window.location.reload();">[[Confessions in front of the mirror]]</div>You do not know how beautiful you are to me.
You are male and you are female, and you are what you do as either.
You see your own colours, and you trust your colours to tell us you ought not be messed with.
You have made yourself taste horrible!
I won’t bother you as you arch through the currents, but can I just ask...
Do you think about how you look?
Do you think at all?
<div class="link-container">[[Yes I think]]</div>
<div class="link-container">[[No I do not think]]</div>
<span style="display:inline-block; width:9.77%;"></span>- - I am thought - -
<span style="display:inline-block; width:51.9%;"></span>- - I know colour - -
<span style="display:inline-block; width:15.11%;"></span>- - My memories are my cellular patterning - -
<span style="display:inline-block; width:38.74%;"></span>
- - I perform my impulses of shape - -
<br />
<span style="display:inline-block; width:8.84%;"></span>- - I am hungry and I want to mate - -
<br />
- - And, by the way, [[Sea Slug Amputates its Disposable Penis, But Has Two Spares|https://www.nationalgeographic.com/science/article/sea-slug-amputates-its-disposable-penis-but-has-two-spares]] - -
<div class="link-container">[[Read on, Jen is waiting for you...]]</div>
<span style="display:inline-block; width:4.18%;"></span>- There has never been a need for it - -
- - I am eminently successful - -
<span style="display:inline-block; width:31.67%;"></span>- - Mating is a hermaphroditic dance - -
- - Every hole really is a goal! Look! [[These Sea Slugs Penetrate Each Other in the Head During Sex |https://www.nationalgeographic.com/science/article/these-sea-slugs-penetrate-each-other-in-the-head-during-sex]] - -
<span style="display:inline-block; width:16.07%;"></span>- - Why complicate things? - -
<div class="link-container">[[Read on, Jen is waiting for you...]]</div><img width="60%" class="centered-image" src="https://jennifer-bell.com/images/Extra/Jface">
<div class="link-container">[[And what about you?]]</div>I also asked people how often they were critical of their appearance.
This is the picture I got...
<img class="full-width" src="https://jennifer-bell.com/images/Graph 2.jpg">
<div class="link-container">[[It can start young...]]</div>Remember I told you that when I was 8 I changed the way I looked?
What happened next basically ruined the way I thought about myself, maybe for good. I don't know. I'm still struggling.
It were as if I got interrupted, and never quite remembered what it was that I was saying.
<div class="link-container">[[Wait! Someone is taking a picture!]]</div>
Someone is taking a picture of you.
Who will you choose to be in the picture?
[[You are The Grand Duchess Anastasia Nikolaevna of Russia in this picture]]
[[You are you in this picture]]
[[You are a nudibranch in this picture]]
Or, you could
<div class="link-internal" onclick="window.location.reload();">[[GET DOLLED UP!!!]]</div>
<iframe class="centered-image" width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/JlNj2LTEeHQ" title="YouTube video player" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe>
Replay as many times as you need.
<div class="link-container">[[Read on, Jen is waiting for you]]</div>[Reader: to become Anastasia, please mouth the following words silently. Hear the thick, glottal Russian accent of an excited 13 year old child, speaking near perfect English.]
This is me and my sister. Papa took this picture.
<img width="60%" class="centered-image" src="https://jennifer-bell.com/images/Anastasia%20Funny.png">
Grigori will laugh A LOT.
Why is it that they need me to look pretty? They were mad when I got chocolate on my gloves.
Princesses make other people feel bad, not good. I do not want to be princess. I am me.
Life feels bad too often, so much blood lost. It is stupid. Even a hedgehog can understand this.
<div class="link-container">[[Read on, Jen is waiting for you]]</div>[[Nudibranch fan club |https://www.instagram.com/nudibranchfanclub/?hl=en]]
Come back here after you've looked over your portfolio!
<div class="link-container">[[Read on, Jen is waiting for you]]</div>So what was it that ruined the way I saw myself?
My body clearly became one of a young woman.
That gave me a new sort of power, and I used it.
I could be an agent of being desirable. Woah!
I was also an object of desire.
I repeatedly experienced how others could profit from my body; regardless of what I wanted.
It all happened really fast! Suddenly it seemed as though my social value was commensurate with my attractiveness.
To this day, if I think I don't look good enough, it might make me feel worthless.
<div class="link-container">[[I would like it to stop]]</div>Surely the ego is a kind of interactive narrative, in which we have some choice?
I want to stop looking in the mirror and being dominated by the voices of that conditioning. I need to radically de-condition myself.
Except... I don't want to suddenly stop caring about how I look!
I like to feel good about how I look. I like having style.
I held a Solidarity Salon the other day, and Paul inspired me to think about grooming as being a way of having a lovely conversation with someone.
It can be a sweetness.
'I have prepared myself for you, my love.'
Fashioning yourself can be a demonstration of respect for others, as well as demonstration of respect to yourself.
So here's the thing: I want to let go, without letting myself go.
<div class="link-container">[[Argh!! How though?!!]]</div>If you have transcended these struggles, I applaud you.
I hope you will be able to share how you did it!
Maybe you’ve never had an issue.
Many of us do have an issue, and when you get into why, you can feel all at sea, because there are are so many currents.
<div class="link-container">[[It's vast]]</div>In the wider waters of society, our appearances are caught in a confluence of crises around human value.
We're at the mercy of powerful cultural undertows.
How are we supposed to feel about how we look when...
<span style="display:inline-block; width:15.61%;"></span>We often confuse our intrinsic value with what our bodies imply
we confuse intrinsic value with physical ability
<span style="display:inline-block; width:70.57%;"></span><span style="color:#FF9901;">and all these currents</span>
we have confused values over gender features; ethnicities; body sizes; ages
<span style="display:inline-block; width:15.61%;"></span>and we have total confusion over the extent to which objectification is okay
<span style="display:inline-block; width:23.41%;"></span>we are confused by ideological structures, such
<span style="display:inline-block; width:15.61%;"></span>as patriarchy, ableism and white supremacy, and what they have
<span style="display:inline-block; width:15.61%;"></span>been saying about ‘beauty’ and how a person’s value can be commodified according to the hierachies within these codes of thinking and being
<span style="color:#E06666;">can pull us</span>
<span style="display:inline-block; width:23.41%;"></span>we have a confusion of politics, now often drawn along
<span style="display:inline-block; width:15.61%;"></span>identity lines, which can blind us to each other’s struggles and
<span style="display:inline-block; width:15.61%;"></span>intersectional struggles
<span style="display:inline-block; width:70.57%;"></span><span style="color:#3D85C6;">under</span>
And then, in the scheme of things, given the rapid changes in climate, and given the extent of ecocide, is it even important or ethical to care that much about how we look right now?
<div style="text-align: right;">[[The sea is rising]]</div>
I find it HARD TO VALUE MYSELF if I don't look a certain way. Maybe sometimes you do too?
<img class="centered-image" width="60%" src="https://jennifer-bell.com/images/Extra/Random%20illu%20Bface%202%281%29.jpg">
<div class="link-container">[[I don't know who needs to hear this]]</div>
<img class="full-width" src="https://jennifer-bell.com/images/printable%20words%201.jpg">
<a href="https://jennifer-bell.com/images/printable%20words%201.jpg" download>Right click to download and keep this</a>
<div class="link-container">[[The mirror barometer]]</div>Here’s a hack. Try this? I've done it, in my attempt to radically de-condition myself, and it works:
Change how you use the mirror.
Don’t pour over it, peering at faults and defects.
Understand that you are not looking at your true image, but your self-image, which is coloured by your mood.
That means you can use the mirror as an indicator of your mood. Like a barometer for feelings.
If you dislike your appearance, you can take it as an indication that you are feeling low in yourself, or suffering from low-self-esteem. If this is the case, it may be a good idea to address whatever it is that is causing that lowness.
That way you can dispense with insulting your own appearance, or coming up with radical or painful ways to change it.
If you are feeling low, removing facial hair or getting botox won’t change whether you like your appearance or not. Those methods won’t make you like yourself. They will be short term fixes that won’t address your self-image.
HOWEVER! If you like your appearance, it’s probably because you are feeling okay in yourself.
When you are feeling okay in yourself, you will only see either:
an agreeable image
or
an image that you would like to do to adjust for the better
e.g. groom or shave or wash your face or apply makeup, or get botox or whatever floats your boat.
Those adjustments will feel neutral, or even like a pleasure.
This is a form of radical de-conditioning.
<div style="text-align: right;" onclick="window.location.reload();">[[Try it now]]</div><img class="centered-image" width="60%" src="https://jennifer-bell.com/images/New%20eyes/e9.png"><iframe class="centered-image" src="https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSeNqXnTwt2pdxNhy4U5Px2eiCfYWffeBL2ta1Mu65QR_7pxfw/viewform?embedded=true" width="640" height="375" frameborder="0" marginheight="0" marginwidth="0">Loading…</iframe>
<div class="link-container">[[It's funny cos it's true]]</div>
<img src="https://jennifer-bell.com/images/KidJokes.png">
<div class="link-container">[[This is the end]]</div>This is the end of our enquiry. Will you choose to continue with the same story?
[[You now]]
[[Anastasia now]]
[[Nudibranch now]]
[[Jen now]]
You will continue with your own story, and I will continue to wonder about you.
After having read this, I will wonder how you will feel about how you look...
Whichever way it is, I hope that you will feel good about YOURSELF.
I want you to always have that choice.
Can we help each other to be less at sea?
<div class="link-container" onclick="window.location.reload();">[[The end]]</div>This is me, being read by you.
I guess right now I am a kind of us.
I wonder who’s voice we are hearing right now?
Either way, because of us, I hope we can be less at sea...
<div class="link-container" onclick="window.location.reload();">[[The end]]</div>How long did you think you could get away with it, Fräulein Unbekannt, or Anne, or whatever your name is? You are not Anastasia.
The Bolsheviks got her, when she was 17.
It’s said their enemies killed her precious Grigori a hundred times.
They did not take any photographs.
The men did not look at her at all.
Is it easier to aspire to be a princess, because privileged people do not suffer?
Is it easier to pretend you are someone else?
<div class="link-container" onclick="window.location.reload();">[[The end]]</div>
<span style="display:inline-block; width:8%;"></span> - - - - a human is writing what it is like to be me - - - -
<span style="display:inline-block; width:18.15%;"></span>- - - reading, dreaming - - -
- - - -- i suppose that helps them to be less at sea? - - - - -
<div class="link-container" onclick="window.location.reload();">[[The end]]</div><h2>Drag to style paper dolls</h2>
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If and when you are happy with your drag, you can take a screenshot and send it to <a href="mailto:adviceatselfiemagazie@gmail.com?subject=Dolled Up%20Selfie">The Selfie Gallery</a>.
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<div class="link-internal floating-link" onclick="window.location.reload();"> [[Read on, Jen is waiting for you]]</div>
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<img id="12" class="sea" style="width:250px !important;" src="https://jennifer-bell.com/images/People/12.png">
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<img width="100%" style="position:fixed; top:0; left:0; min-width: 100%; min-height: 100%; z-index:-5;" src="https://jennifer-bell.com/images/People/background">
<div onclick="window.location.reload();" class="link-container floating-link">[[How critical do we get?]]</div>
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How is that you choose to regard youself day to day? If you have a webcam, you can use it like a mirror and position your eyes into the frame when it's your turn.
<div style="margin-top:-100px;">
<img class="slide full-width" src="https://jennifer-bell.com/images/New%20eyes/e1.png">
<img class="slide" src="https://jennifer-bell.com/images/New%20eyes/e2.png"><div class="slide"><img class="photo-box full-width" src="https://jennifer-bell.com/images/photoboxmask1.png">
<div id="container" width="100%" height="100%">
<video autoplay="true" class="eyes-video full-width" height="100%" id="videoElement"></video>
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<div class="link-container" onclick="window.location.reload();">[[Today I'd like to give you a choice...]]</div>
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<img src="https://jennifer-bell.com/images/An%20invitation.jpg" width="100%">
<div class="link-container">[[What advice can you offer?]]</div>
zine by jennifer bell
illustrated by bryony ball
interactions by jon somerscales
<span style="color:#FF9901;">copyright © 2021 jennifer bell</span>
<div class="link-container">[[Look inside]]</div>
<img class="centered-image" src="https://jennifer-bell.com/images/Extra/maybe%20last%20image.jpg" width="80%"><div class="link-container"><a class="link-internal" href="https://jennifer-bell.com/">Goodbye</a></div><video autoplay="true" class="selfie-video over-centered" id="videoElement">
</video>
<img class="polaroid-frame over-centered" src="https://jennifer-bell.com/images/polaroid.png">
<div class="under-centered">
Wait, soften that serious brow! Look how lovely you are!
You are, in fact, a miracle.
Why not be brave and take a screenshot?!
CHEEEEEESE!!!!
You could send it to join other brave souls <a href="mailto:adviceatselfiemagazie@gmail.com?subject=Barometer%20Selfie">The Selfie Gallery</a>.
<div class="link-container" onclick="window.location.reload();">[[Try something new]]</div>
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<</script>>
<div style="margin-top:-100px;">
<img class="slide" src="https://jennifer-bell.com/images/New%20eyes/e1.png" width="100%">
<img class="slide" src="https://jennifer-bell.com/images/New%20eyes/e2.png" width="100%"><img class="slide" src="https://jennifer-bell.com/images/New%20eyes/e3.png" width="100%"><img class="slide" src="https://jennifer-bell.com/images/New%20eyes/e4.png" width="100%"><img class="slide" src="https://jennifer-bell.com/images/New%20eyes/e5.png" width="100%"><img class="slide" src="https://jennifer-bell.com/images/New%20eyes/e6.png" width="100%"><img class="slide" src="https://jennifer-bell.com/images/New%20eyes/e8.png" width="100%">
<img class="slide" src="https://jennifer-bell.com/images/New%20eyes/e9.png" <img class="slide full-width" src="https://jennifer-bell.com/images/New%20eyes/e10.png"><img class="slide full-width" src="https://jennifer-bell.com/images/New%20eyes/e11.png"><img class="slide full-width" src="https://jennifer-bell.com/images/New%20eyes/e12.png"><img class="slide full-width" src="https://jennifer-bell.com/images/New%20eyes/e13.png"><img class="slide full-width" src="https://jennifer-bell.com/images/New%20eyes/e14.png"></div><div class="link-container" onclick="window.location.reload();">[[You may not relate]]</div>
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<</script>>When I was 8, I felt a mismatch between how I saw myself, and how I was seen by others.
I saw myself as dextrous, competent, adventurous, really funny and smart. My ego was remarkably robust.
I was SEEN as very cute and pettable, and this seemed to make people happy. I found it intensely annoying.
I also became aware of being limited by the girls' clothes I wore. I wanted to be able to run and not slip. Running was rubbish in my patent, gripless buckle-ups. I didn't want to be caught if I was chased. I wanted traction! I didn't want to be dressed to be easily apprehended.
So I cropped my hair and began to dress as a boy. Things immediately improved. People stopped talking to me in silly voices.
I lived like that for almost two years. It was great.
What happened next was disastrous.
<div class="link-container">[[But right now...]]</div><span style="color:#3D85C6;">There are multiple paths through this zine. Follow the links to choose which one.
If at any point you want to take a different path or go back, simply hit the back arrow on your browser.
If a path takes you to another window, come back to this one when you are ready. The next path will be waiting for you.</span>
<div class="link-container">[[Let's go]]</div>